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Zur Originalfassung: »Liebes Tagebuch ...«

August 22, 2005

Katrin Wiegand

Translated from the German by Andrea Carson

Dear Diary ...

07/31

Showered at 2:17 pm. Afterwards went back to bed totally exhausted. Founded the »Bulgarian Relief Front« before dinner.

08/01

Checked the atlas for actual location of Bulgaria.

08/02

Discovered new birthmark at the back of my right hand. Ordered »Health Guide« from Amazon right away. Changes of birthmark are being entered hourly into specially created chart.

08/03

Figured out that Bulgaria had been freed already. Now trying to get rid of over 300 »BRF« stickers through ebay.

08/04

4:30 pm: Started working with the »Kosmos-Chemistry Set« to find a cure for forest dieback.
4:58 pm: Remembered the F that had always been next to chemistry on my report card. Planning on visiting the building center tomorrow, apartment needs to be renovated urgently. Letting German forest fend for itself.

08/05

8 pm: Just woke up. Postponing building center visit. Decorating burn holes in my ingrain wallpaper with BRF stickers.
8:09 pm: Working on a bill to change times of store closures.

08/06

Received reminder from TV licensing agency. Exhilarated. Always admired highly optimistic people.

08/08

Health Guide arrived finally. Birthmark is probably a malignant melanoma. Looking for a notary in the Yellow Pages.

08/09

Learned what a notary charges. Drawing up handwritten last will.

08/10

Cat's clawing on other corners of wallpaper. Watching it coolly, still have another 156 BRF stickers at hand.

08/11

11:43 am: Threw up! Checking my Health Guide.
11:49 am: Suspect fish poisoning. Can't remember eating fish. Looking up Alzheimer's.
12:08 pm: Trying to flush Health Guide down the toilet.
12:17 pm: Discover that puddles can't be covered up with BRF stickers. Checking apartment ads.

08/12

Received payment reminder from Telekom. Filing it under: »Definitely leave behind in case of apartment fire«.

08/15

»sugarpuss76« purchased »BRF« sticker from ebay. Contemplating investment of soon-to-be-expected 99 cents.

08/16

Received angry email from »sugarpuss76«. Feels that 12.80 Euros for postage and packaging is unreasonable.Answering email with link to www.post.de

08/17

Not making any progress with last will. Can't decide whom to give my 18 year old eraser collection to after I die.

08/18

Getting annoyed by »sugarpuss76«. She claims that according to postal regulations the BRF sticker should have weighed 12 kilos to warrant the amount of postage. Will threaten with negative rating.

08/19

Mildew is growing along the edges of the now dried up water puddles. In need of more apartment ads. Subscribing to second daily newspaper.

08/21

Victory! »sugarpuss76« backs down and wants to come pick up BRF sticker herself. Making an appointment for following week. A trip from East Germany to Frankfurt requires thorough planning.

08/22

Drafting last will failed due to the »in case of early death, whom shall I foist my debts onto« question. Decide to keep on living for now.



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Katrin Wiegand

Jahrgang 1972.

Aufgewachsen im Vordertaunus, hat sie es nach zwei Jahren Zwischenstation in Berlin nun ins Ruhrgebiet verschlagen.

Nach Abitur und beruflichen Um- und Irrwegen, die [..]

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