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November 9, 2006

Michael Meyn

Translated from the German by Michael Meyn

Fartvergnügen

»Last night you farted in your sleep.«

My Little Rib's claim is a total understatement. I know what I'm capable of when I had to behave all day long. It's a fact that I wake myself up with my nightly emissions. Since I have the strange habit of sleeping at the very edge of my bed, I've almost fallen off more than once. This, of course, to the amusement of my Little Rib. In her world there's nothing funnier than a good fart.

I've always been a rather shy guy. If I had a goldfish, I wouldn't fart in its presence. Come to think of it, my whole life is focused on never accidentally letting one go. Therefore it bugs me tremendously that I can't seem to have my body under control when I'm asleep.

My Little Rib is the exact opposite. In hindsight I can only say that I should have watched out for early warning signs. After dating her for less than four hours I made a huge mistake: I made her laugh. An earth shattering boom took the wrinkles right out of her pants. I was appalled! Ever since I have been trying to keep her in a safe distance as well as in a bad mood.

On extremely rare occasions I seize the kitchen to make my world-famous chili. It's pretty much the only thing I can cook and it's not really world-famous, either. I don't have a special recipe; I just make sure that there's plenty of onions, beans, corn (yes, corn!) and garlic in the pot. Especially garlic. And onions. Don't care too much about the beans.

Just recently I was in the mood for my chili again. We had ordered twelve episodes of the second season of »24« through Netflix. We love that show and I'm so happy that we've discovered it so late, because now we can enjoy three more seasons. I put on my imaginary chef hat (is there a name for that thing?) and cooked a nice big pot of my not so world-famous chili.

It goes without saying that it was absolutely delicious. Well, to me it was. My Little Rib thought there was way too much garlic in it, but she didn't complain. After only one episode of our »24» marathon she announced:

»I have to fart.«

Without any delay I transported my head from her lap to the other end of the couch.

»Now? Here?!«

She started laughing and I hastily retreated completely from the couch.

»What's the matter, Schatz?«

»Sorry, but I can't deal with this.«

»Deal with what? My humor?«

»Yes, and the way you express it.«

»Alright, I will contain myself.«

»Thanks!«

We started watching the second episode. Meanwhile I could hear my stomach rumble. My Little Rib heard it, too.

»Need to fart?«

»No.«

»But I do!«

»Don't you dare!«

We got through the next two episodes without any major incidents. Now and then she seemed a little uneasy but I kept her in check with an unyielding look on my face. Needless to say I was beginning to get very tense myself. The pressure was remarkable. Now it was imperative to stay focused.

This Jack Bauer in »24« is a man I admire. How he manages to get through a period of twenty-four hours under constant stress, barbaric torture and countless hits in the stomach without making any smoke rings from behind, is simply amazing. I wouldn't do it, either.

»Be honest, you have to fart, too.«

»Not at all.«

»Let it out, Schatz. I don't mind.«

»Never! You know what, I think I'm gonna get me a little more ch-«

The last word was overpowered by a loud thunder and within seconds the living room went hazy. Jack and I headed for the exit synchronously. He escaped, but I panicked and was unable to open the door.

»Heehee, it accidentally slipped out.«

Her laughter was followed by three smaller detonations in short succession. I pulled my shirt over my mouth and nose and stepped out on the patio. I would have loved to relief myself outside but I couldn't take any chances. Any revealing sound would have caused my Little Rib to explode laughing. The only way to pass gas unnoticed was to stand in the bedroom closet, but I thought that would have been kind of silly and also I was worried about my clothes. I decided to tough it out.

Later that night I had a terrible nightmare. After successfully saving planet Earth, Jack Bauer was given a big hug by the President of the United States. For a brief moment he lost control over his well-trained sphincter and passed some strong winds straight in the shocked faces of the entire administration. He was executed right there on the spot.

I woke up screaming and the first thing I saw was my Little Rib giggling just an inch away from my nose.

»Gotcha! You farted! Heeheeeee ...«



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Michael Meyn

Geboren wurde er irgendwo in Oberhausen, und zwar am 11.11.1968. Berichten seiner Mutter zufolge begann Michael im zarten Alter von drei Jahren, die Tapeten seines Kinderzimmers mit Fäkalien zu [..]

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